How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation – Episode 25

...I'm back...you can't get rid of me that easy...

Episode 25 – November 24 – The meds must have done their job last night because I slept straight through from 9:30 until 5:30. They worked so well that I did not even notice them taking Stephanie out in the hall to sleep. They usually do this when a patient is delusional and calling out a lot.

Vampirella showed up just before the sun was fully up, of course. This time it was to check my uric acid levels. I can pretty much guess that they will be elevated because of my gout episode. I can know prove false that the old myth that rich food and red wine are the principle causes of gout because I haven’t seen either for a month.

My new day nurse is Sandra. Maybe they’re trying to tell me something sending me a parade of new nurses. I’m really not all that cranky for a middle-aged guy.  Actually she seems quite n*** and on the ball. The bonus is that Felly is also working in our room so she is always there for backup and support.

I haven’t see a breakfast fairy in over a week so breakfast as always was a delight and they even threw in a banana to make me even happier. I have decided to stop calling the oatmeal and cream of wheat gruel because it insults the good name of gruel. Let’s simply it to runny, slimy shite. Just to make breakfast time an even more pleasant experience, it seems this also the time the cleaning lady always does our ward so she’s banging and bumping around while you are trying to eat.

Sandra brought in my morning drug cocktail. There were ten pills and capsules in the little cup plus a syringe of Formin, the blood thinner. This collage is almost a meal in itself. Speaking of the blood thinner, Sandra found a huge bruise on my right abdomen likely caused by the blood thinners. The blood thinner is only necessary because I’m totally immobilized and clots can form in my legs. I cringe at the thought of how much all these drugs would be costing me in a less socialized medical country like the USA.

Being bedridden makes your mind start thinking about funny things. Just outside the door of the room is a hand sanitizer dispenser. The way staff walk in and apparently unconsciously reach out and squirt their hands their hands takes me back to my childhood Catholic Church days where people would walk by the holy water font and dip their hands in it without looking. I half expect people entering the room to genuflect and cross themselves.

Lunch wasn’t bad with a roast beef sandwich and cream of broccoli soup. The strange thing about meals is the cutlery. For both lunch and breakfast they serve the meals with stainless steel cutlery and dinner is served with plastic knives and forks. It’s almost as bad as when you fly first class and they give you a sharp steak knife after they took away your nail clippers at the gate. Apparently, hijackers only fly economy class.

Stephanie in the bed across from me was discharged today. The strange thing about it is her daughter was her at the beginning awaiting the doctor’s final paperwork and she was joined by another couple and they stayed waiting as well. Her daughter then phoned another person and said, “Mom is going to be released soon did you want to come up here?” WTF!! Were they planning a parade up Lonsdale?

I’m really getting frustrated about my physio rehab. I asked Sandra to check into it and she came back and said that the physios are primarily dealing with post-op and discharge patients over the weekend and I wasn’t due for another treatment if you want to call it that until Monday. Dr. McConkey, the surgeon was supposed to come by and talk about this today but he didn’t show either.

The Crown Prince popped in this afternoon and dropped off some desperately needed dental floss. I had been out of it since Wednesday morning. He stayed for about an hour and as usual we chatted about everything, anything and nothing.

I had a bit of a serious chat Sandi and pretty much confirmed what I had already surmised. She was getting more and more exhausted both with her dad’s condition and with the struggles with her siblings regarding her father. Then she did something frightening she said “You came in here three weeks ago with a beautiful pedicure and now your feet look all dry and flaky. Would you like me to put some lotion on them.” I did balk initially but they did look like hell and she had already told me her “bitch” (ie. Boyfriend) was back in town tonight so I agreed.

One thing that has improved is my upper body flexibility. It became necessary as to reach things using only my trunk. The thing about this is that along with my trusty reacher I can now control all three of my curtain walls.

I have discovered that the safest meat product to order for dinner is the roast pork. Unlike the chicken or fish which can be okay or very disgusting the pork has always been passable. Just don’t tell my rabbi. Oh wait...What’s that?... I’m not...oops, my bad.

Double good time tonight! The breakfast fairy came by and changed the default settings so I will be getting dry cereal every day. No more runny, slimy shite!

And the best thing is I spent the evening listening to the Notre Dame vs USC game on ESPN radio and my Irish are now off to Florida for the national championship in January.  If I only knew what my abilities and disabilities will be in January I would at least be looking into making the trip.

Art has been at his total worst tonight acting so much that they put him back in his chair and rolled him into the hallway. He still continued screaming.

My night nurse was Marjorie and she offered earplugs along with my little blue friend. So I plugged into No Doubt and letGwen Stefani sing me a lullaby while I read myself a bed time story about the adventures of the Green River Killer.

Oh and those roasted peanuts are still damn tasty!

To be continued...