How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation – Episode 12

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Episode 12 – November 11 - I had a mediocre sleep last night; everyone in the ward seemed to be snoring or talking in their sleep. I believe I will start taking advantage of the sleeping pill that Denise arranged for me.

By 5 AM I was so awake that I figured it would be a good use of time to do my upper body bed exercises my physiotherapist gave me.

The other day when transferring into the wheelchair, neither the therapists or myself could figure out why my left ankle was so swollen and sore and lacking in range of motion compared to my right ankle which normally is the swollen one due to so many sprains and twists over the years. I told Fellie about this and she looks at me and asks “Have you ever had gout?” Hmm...gout...yes, I do have it and it effects my right wrist, my right big toe and my left ankle. D-oh!! *head slap*

Denise and Sam were the day nurses for our ward and popped in to get the day going.

Art decided he wanted to make a nuisance off himself and kept pulling the curtains and I had to keep using my trusty reacher until he gave up the fight.

My dread from the night before was not unfounded. Breakfast came and for sure it was cream of wheat and an effing banana!

It’s Remembrance Day and the local veteran’s parade came past the hospital and I could hear the skirl of the pipes under my window. The sound of bagpipes always gets my Celtic blood flowing and rumour has it I may have had a thing for a piper or two in my past.

Shortly after the parade passed there was a low altitude flyby of fighter jets from CFB Comox. I couldn’t see them but I sure could feel them from my bed.

Denise came by with a little cup of my morning, which consisted of five pills, I mentioned I was out of water and she joked “What can’t you dry swallow that lot?” Well that sounded like a dare so you know I couldn’t let it go unheeded. I promptly gulped down the chemical cocktail. Denise walked back in with the water and she saw this big grin on my face. She laughed and threatened to kill me next time I tried that. She then took revenge by poking with a needle in my gut for my blood thinners.

I am happy to say that the side effects of the codeine have worn off, I’m not sure Denise was thrilled about that. My big goal in my rehab is the day I can walk those fifteen feet across the ward into the washroom.

Lunch made up for breakfast. Although it’s not saying much, it was the best meal to date and came without a visit from the food service fairy. It consisted of a simple omelette with whole wheat toast and chicken orzo soup that was so hardy, full of chicken and vegetables that I actually to use a spoon rather than sipping it which is normally easier considering the angle I have eat. To picture the angle go back to the days of carhop service at White Spot where the cross car tray would force you to reach up and forward to eat your food.

Today is Art’s 89^th birthday and of course there was a parade of people in and out with Sandi holding court and pouring scotch (She did offer a snort but I thought it would be prudent not to.) All the noise made it a little hard to read or write but the real irritating thing was that one family member brought one of those singing cards that played “Celebrate” by Kool & the Gang and everyone had to open it several times each. By her own admission Sandi by the end of the was a bit in her cups and even way to perky even for her own way too perky self.

I finally found out Art’s disposition. He is just here waiting for a placement in a long term care facility because realistically his condition will never improve. The other mystery is why the nurses have to put Art’s teeth in every morning before breakfast because all his meals are pureed because he can’t chew or swallow properly.

Denise rewashed my hair with the no-rinse shampoo and did a much better job at it. It feels almost human again.

The Crown Prince dropped by on his way back to Langley, I loved that he came but unfortunately I was at a low point in my energy levels and I found my concentration levels were waning. I know he wanted to hear “Celebrate” at least one more time.

At around three Sam came in and told Bill that an ambulance will be here soon to transfer him the St. Mary’s in Gibsons so she was going to have to get him packed up and ready to move. He was on his way home. God speed, Bill.  I guess that means Emergency will be sending us a new ward mate within the day.

Either I’m getting used to it but I actually enjoyed another meal. This time I did take advantage of the food fairy and ordered roast pork, garlic potatoes and mixed vegetables. The pork was substantive enough to at least where I needed a knife to assist the fork in pulling it apart.

I received a couple more notes of encourage from friends dating back to elementary, Ray, a classmate and Daryl, my grade 5 teacher.

Regina was my night nurse so on advice of Denise I asked for the sleeping pill that was allowed on my chart and it was off to dream land.

Alas there had been no evening visit from the food fairy. Crap.

And that effing tap is dripping again!!

To be continued...

How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation Episodes 10 & 11

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Episode 10 - November 9 – After Sergio settled Art down last night, I was able to get a fantastic night’s sleep. That was fantastic until Sergio decided to wake me up at 6 AM to give me my pain meds. Hmm...patient sleeping soundly; that must mean he’s in a great deal of pain. Still I’m able to very quickly get back to sleep. So an hour later, Sergio wakes me up again to check my glucose levels. Now I am up for the day.

I shouldn’t be too harsh on Sergio, he means well and he is dealing with some serious health issues himself

My day nurse today is Regina. It seemed to be quite a busy for the nurses so I didn’t interact with her much.

I did wake up to a pleasant surprise when I logged on this morning. There was a sweet note from another classmate, Carol, who had gone through a much worse traumatic event when we were in school and was laid up in bed for months. Coincidentally, Janice and I were talking about her and her mother, a teacher at our school, yesterday. It is little surprises like this that brighten my day.

Breakfast arrived and lo and behold cream of wheat and a banana. I’m a sport and tried a couple of bites of banana and gagged. So it was a slice of whole wheat toast with dietetic jam and 2% milk to last me until lunch.

Dr. Haaf stopped and we discussed my pain meds. When I told him I was having very little pain if any, we decided that rather than regular dosing, my meds would be as needed. This was designed to solve the other problem with the pain killers. Unfortunately it is going mean more bed pan dancing.

It’s time to gross you out again but just a little. I normally go through a lot of tissues because of my allergies and bad sinuses. I was beginning to notice a lot of blood traces similar to what happens to me in the dessert and it didn’t make sense because the humidity is high in here and my BiPAP delivers a fine mist over night. The answer dawned on as I was being jabbed in the stomach with my daily shot; your on blood thinners to avoid clotting, you idiot!

Today my mind was on a different hospital, my mother was scheduled for surgery at Langley Memorial so my big brother, Pat was keeping me posted and her operation was cancelled at the last minute due to breathing complications. I know how stressful that had to be both the anxiety anticipating the surgery and then the cancellation. I love you, Ma!

My physio treatment consisted of sitting in the wheelchair again today but I was able to stay considerably longer getting a lot of writing done and enjoying the view. The southern exposure of our room although causing added heat has a great vista looking over the inlet at downtown Vancouver.

Now speaking of views and southern exposure; shall we discuss Charlie in the opposite corner? God bless, him. His rehab from his hip surgery has progressed that he can briefly manage a walker to get to the washroom facing me although he is still supposed to have someone assisting him. I think the assistance is primarily to make sure his robe is closed at the back. *shudder*

While still sitting in the chair, the nurse’s aide came around with afternoon snacks and you guessed mine was a banana. I dismissed her summarily.

Finally my luck changed with regard to breakfast, the food service person came around to take my breakfast order.

Another bonus was that the occupational therapist brought me a reacher. My universe has been extended by a radius of 30 inches. Beware!!

The night nurses on our ward tonight were Hiroko and Fellie.

Fellie is hilarious. She was giving one of her co-workers grief for working too much and turned to me “Typical Phillipino she thinks she has to work 2 or 3 jobs but then again I think my friends are beginning to think I’m not really Phillipino because I’m happy only working one job.

Episode 11 – November 10 – I awoke from a great and almost rejuvenating sleep to greet my new day nurse, Samantha or Sam.

Breakfast for once was bearable and dare I say almost enjoyable. I had Rice Krispees, scramble eggs  and a pancake with dietetic syrup; and best of all no gruel. However, I must state once and for all time, margarine is not a butter substitute.

Esther was working in a different section of the floor but she dropped by to say “good morning” to everyone in the ward. She’s too damn chipper for 8 AM.

During my morning wash up, Sam introduced me to “no-rinse” shampoo because my hair was feeling grossly matted and grungy and it brought it down to mildly matted and grungy.

Bill, in the bed had a couple of visitors, his niece and her husband. Her husband spent a lot of time chatting with me. It was quite interesting because he was another East End boy. He told about playing football for the Renfrew Trojans in the 60’s. I had played ball in the Renfrew organization for a few years and I have countless friends who had played for the Trojans.

The gentleman also had to help me with another of life’s little ironies. My reacher had fallen off the side of my bed so I could not reach my reacher.

Bill’s full name is William Wallace, apparently norelation to Braveheart but he could have been a contemporary. Bill wears hearing aids but I’m sure they are doing him no good. His answer to every question subjective or objective is “Yes” and they keep letting off a high pitched squeal. He’s therapy is progressing as well so he can used his walker a bit. Currently, he’s waiting for a bed to open up at St. Mary’s in Gibsons where he lives so his wife can visit.

I had been feeling a bit lazy today and was not too upset that there was no physio team visits today. I’ve been content to sit here and write and follow the NCAA football scores especially my undefeated, number 3 ranked, Notre Dame Fighting Irish. I am so bored I may even follow Sunday’s NFL scores. Go 49ers!

I received a few more n*** notes from a couple of former classmates, Ruth and Dorothy. I had known both since elementary school. In fact, Dorothy and I were in the same kindergarten class. Hearing from everyone brightens my day and when I hear from someone a little less expected it brightens it up even more so.

The Crown Prince was due to come up so I had Sam empty my urine bottle because I told her, he was such a pussy. She threatened to tell him I had said that. I didn’t care because I’d stand by my word.

Bryan showed up about fifteen minutes later with a few sundries I had asked him to bring up and my week’s mail.

The mail included my Hobbit stamps from New Zealand and a letter from the Vancouver Sun that included two tickets to see Brent Butt at the River Rock Casino as prize for participating in one of their surveys. It’s not someone I’d normally go see but would have no problem seeing at that price. Then I looked at the date, November 23. Uhh...kinda busy. I handed them back to the Prince and told him to find a buddy to go with him.

Sam came in to change my dressings and just the mention of it brought a green pale to Bryan’s face. His only comment “I think I have to leave”. I turned to Sam and said “told you he was a pussy”. ;-)

Fellie came in as my night nurse and immediately started to lecture me about not resting my feet on the foot of the bed because it’s considered weight bearing. She’s an absolute tyrant about this. She did figure out a way to adjust the bed to eliminate the pull of gravity that was pushing me down. She did reward me with a n*** wash down before sleep. ;-)

With the Oregon Ducks game well in control, I decided to retire.

As I lay back to sleep, the frightening thought occurred to me, “oh shit, the food services lady didn’t come by to take my breakfast order”.  **heavy sigh**

To be continued...

How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation Episodes 8 & 9

...oh excuse me...must have drifted off...back to our story...

Episode 8 – November 7 –I was woken up from a half decent sleep by the loud beep of the intercom announcing “Code Red - Food Service Elevator – All staff remain in their work areas”. Oh no, they’ve burned the oatmeal!

A new day nurse arrived to check my vital signs, Felly, short for Felicidad. Felly told me that the Code Red was a flood on the third floor that poured into the elevator shaft and temporarily disabled the elevators. Then I was told that breakfast was going to be late; oh well, every cloud has a silver lining.

The next question that Felly asked was “When was the last time you had a shower?” The answer was obvious. Felly was not telling me something I didn’t know already. She brought me a basin of warm soapy water, some cloths and towels and I began a wipe down process. She wiped down my back and then brought another basin of hot water so I could scrape the three days growth off my face.

Unfortunately, late or not breakfast did arrive. And there was no special surprises in fact in came in as worst breakfast to date; on the tray were Cream of Wheat soup and a banana. Knowing that I had to get some fuel into my system, I took a bite of the banana and almost gagged. I was resigned to the fact that a soggy piece of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and 120 ml of 2% milk would have to carry me over until lunch.

Okay, you are wondering about me and bananas. I have really cared for bananas. I’m not fussy on the taste or smell and especially the texture. I have not eaten a whole fresh banana since I was in grade 12 which was at least 5 or 6 years ago. There was a pep rally and part of it was a banana eating contest. I was recruited along with four other football and basketball players as contestants. We were brought on stage and seated with me in the middle. We then blindfolded and the object was to eat as many bananas as we could in five minutes. We each were assigned a cheerleader to peel and hand us the fruits. The whistle blew and the fun began. At the end of the five minutes the blindfold came off and I was declared the winner having eaten twelve bananas. I didn’t find out until about twenty minutes later that the other contestants had left the stage once the first whistle blew and only came back for the final whistle.

After breakfast, one of my favourite Night Owls, Christine (Yes, the one with the teenage daughter) dropped in. I thought she was very kind to bring me a crossword puzzle book until I later read the cover and saw “Easy” and “Large Print”. I am not sure what she was implying. ;-)

Lunch arrived and the main course was a chickenish burger with a side of Cole slaw. I don’t mind cabbage and I like carrots (except those mini ones that come in a bag. They’re just weird.)but when you shred them and add a sweet dressing something happens that turns me off. I ate most of it because it was edible unlike that scoop that appears on every plate at White Spot and returns to the kitchen on every plate as well.

It was time for my physical therapy. Today they brought my wheelchair complete with a legrest set up. Instead of doing a regular solo side transfer they decided it might be easier to use a transfer board. The board is designed to bridge the gap between the bed and the chair. I actually found I felt more in control when I was jumping the gap on my own yesterday. After getting settled in and my legs properly supported, the physio used that phrase no longs to hear in a hospital “We’ll be back in a minute”. I was now officially one of those old guys you see in every hospital, strapped into a wheelchair, wearing only a gown, nodding off and drooling in the corner.

After about 15 minutes, I rang the call button and had the nurses use the electric lift to put me back in the bed so I could take a nap.

Dinner arrived and it was apparently beef tips. Tips of what I don’t know but that had a chewy gelatinous consistency to them.

It was time for shift change and my night nurse was the angel, Tara. While checking my vitals and breathing she said “You have great lungs!” I had to bite my teeth in order not to return the compliment. ;-)

My sleep that night was horrible thanks to Art next door calling out all night and the fact the room is always too hot. It faces south and even with the windows open there is no air movement. It’s not just me the nurses are always complaining about the heat in this room.

Episode 9 – November 8 – So after a horrible sleep, the day went downhill from there. As usual breakfast was horrible so that was no help.

At 8:30, Dr. McConkey dropped by to check that all was okay and after a quick chat he left saying that his job was pretty much done here and he was off on a long weekend but if need be the on-call surgeon  was around.

A half hour later, a blonde nurse with a very authoritative Eastern European accent , walks up to my bed and says “Mr. Donnelly, you are going home today.” I was in shock and my response was “How am I supposed to go home.” Nurse Ilsa of the SS calmly stated “We help you into a wheelchair, roll you outside to a car, you get in and you go home.” After trying explain that I can’t walk and I’m supposed to go down to rehab for six weeks. She said “Only the orthopaedic surgeon has discharged you and only he can authorize rehab. I will talk to physio about this.”

I was shaking like a leaf, about to burst into tears and on the verge of another anxiety attack. I grabbed my phone and tried unsuccessfully to call Dr. Haaf.

Felly came in to help me with a wash down and she was able to settle me down a bit and I was able to take a short nap.

After lunch, the physio team came back and their goal today just to get me sitting for a spell in the chair so they were just going to use the electric lift and not have me do anything really physical. Once I was sitting well, they moved my table with my laptop in front of me and I started hacking away.

While in the chair, I received a delightful surprise. A friend from school, Janice, popped her head around the corner. Working in the hospital industry herself, she was able to help out to make my life here a little more comfortable. Also knowing how the system works she was able to reassure me that today’s incident was common and a huge but typical example of poor communication between caregivers and number crunchers.

While Janice was still there, Dr. Haaf came by so I gave a hug and told to take advantage of the rest of her day off.

Obviously, the main thrust of the conversation with the doc was about this morning’s events. He basically repeated what Janice had to me about hospital administrators. The misunderstanding was initially cause by Dr. McConkey writing on my chart that he was discharging himself from the case because his job was done. The moronic management team took this to mean I was to be discharged. I have always said that the biggest problem with our hospital system is way  too many suits. “IF YOU ARE NOT WEARING SCRUBS, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!”

Dana went on to explain that the incident dig trigger some meetings about my treatment and disposition. It appears that rather than being moved down to rehab, I would be receiving most of my initial rehab here on the sixth floor until I am able to reduce the amount of assistance I need for transferring.

This had all worn me out so I asked Felly to get the team together so I could be lifted back to bed. I thought this might be a good time to attempt to relief some physical discomfort derived from codeine side effects so Felly slipped the bed pan underneath me in attempt to achieve my goal. It was not the easiest thing I ever did and in fact it was a struggle that I nearly gave up on. It did not help that Art, next door kept pulling the curtains open. I ripped curtain from his hand a couple of times and I was so angry and frustrated I nearly decked the old guy.

I was finally able to painfully accomplish my goal and left all the fun work to Felly and her colleague, David. From now on my mantra will be “I never want to be a nurse, I never want to be a nurse”.

Just as everything had settled down, Sandi arrived. Again, she is friendly, concerned and helpful but she buzzes around the room and incessantly talks baby talk to her dad and just raises the stress and chaos levels in the room. Actually, either she is settling down or worse I’m getting used to her.

Sergio was now my night nurse which isn’t as bad as being my day nurse because the only concern is he checks my vitals and delivers my meds .

Just before I was about to retire, Jennifer phoned to gloat about spending the next five days in Palm Springs while I comiserated. ;-) Truthfully, she called to make sure her Uncle D was doing okay. She earned her little respite and deserved some “me” time while visiting her Mommy and soaking up mega doses of Vitamin D.

After eight days I feel my body is so coated with grungy crud the hoses at firehall across the street sound like a plan.

And so to bed.

To be continued...

How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation Episodes 5, 6, & 7

...now where were we?...oh, yes...

Episode 5 – November 4 – ‘Twas an uneventful sleep a lot better than the night before anyway.

Now Esther has decided not to be my friend any more. She came in to tell me that Dr. Haaf has ordered the catheter to be taken out. She then took absolute delight in grabbing the tube and yanking it out with a running start taking my left kidney with it. ;-)

Truthfully, she was quite gentle and almost apologetic when doing it. It just felt like I had to pee severely for the next hour. Thank god for my little best friend. Listen... just one sweet beep! Happy dance!

Then came the most tragic news since the fall. They were taking away my baby! First move! Click! One sweet beep! More happy dancing but maybe a little slower like a waltz. ;-)

Nurse Ratched, starched cap and all, arrived with the key to Nirvana. Quick one more click! Yes...slow motion happy dance!

While lying in bed you tend to observe several inefficiencies. One of the most obvious is that while they expect you to pee in a jar, they must expect you to do it without any hands. They don’t have any easy way to wash. The only thing one can do is push their call button and have a nurse bring you a wash cloth. It would be much easier and cost efficient to have either some wipes or hand sanitizer close by. Another fine example is that there is a bathroom in our room and none of us in the ward are ambulatory but someone comes in and cleans it every day.

It’s also fun to watch people as they work. I observed one cleaner randomly waving a dry mop around the room and then leave and I’m not sure what happened to whatever got moved around by the mop. This person with a little less effort has potential to work in the PNE Site Maintenance Department.

It’s 8 PM and it’s time for shift change and once again I draw my little sweetheart, Esther as my night nurse. Esther talked to me about how it would be better if I could sleep on my side rather than on my back all the time. I explain that it would be way too difficult and painful to move me onto my side and could destabilize my braces.  She suggests propping up on one side with pillows so the pressure points change and she would check about pain meds.

Esther returns and says the only choices for pain control on my chart are Tylenol 3 or injectable morphine. Hmm... T3’s or poppy milk? ...I’ll take Morphine for 500, Alex. :-D

Wrong answer, we have to try the Tylenol first. So Esther props up my left side and the final position has me nose first into the right bedrail. And yes this position is almost as comfortable as it sounds. An hour later Esther comes back and asks if the pain has subsided and offers me morphine. It is considered rude in many cultures to refuse hospitality so I relented. ;-)

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, Esther returns and asks if I’d like another shot. Can I get that Keg-sized?

Nighty-night!

Episode 6 – November 5 – I knew before the day even began it was going to be an emotional  roller coaster. Today would have been the twenty-fifth anniversary of Lorraine and my wedding but I was also anticipating visits from three of my favourite young ladies.

Before going off shift, Esther asked me if I would like another shot. How could I refuse such a sweet little girl? Okay, why not one for the road? Maybe not such a good idea...bed spins and queasiness...so I call for some Gravol. Within minutes I’m in La La Land.

Just to confirm that Gravol conquers all when it comes to nausea, breakfast arrives. The feature for today is Cream of Wheat. Cream of Wheat can be a disgusting mess even at the best of time, this gruel was thin and watery and just for good measure they sprinkled bran in it so it looked like dirt flecks. I can only attribute the lack of hurling to the miracles of Dramamine.

When my morning nurse, Tara, arrived I thought the morphine was still causing hallucinations. A gorgeous young blonde stepped through the curtain. While not hallucinating, I was still flying pretty high; as she was checking my vitals and asking a few questions she realized I may be a little bit stoned. Tara was also the first nurse to check my surgical wounds and change the dressings. While checking the wounds she discovered three huge blisters around the incision about an inch in diameter and almost ¾” high. I would have posted pictures but even my camera thought they were too gross. ;-)

(The surgeon looked at them later and wasn’t overly concerned but made a point of having a wound care nurse make sure they were dressed properly.)

In a little foreshadowing, Tara also let me know that something had to be done today about a major side effect caused by codeine and other opiates. Those of you who have experienced this know where I’m “going” with this.

The first of my expected guests arrived just before lunch. Mona used to live across the breezeway from us and was one of our Halloween hi-jinks co-conspirators. She brought me a cappuccino, some diabetic chocolates, a few books and most special of all a rose to celebrate our anniversary. Lunch arrived while she was there and I nibbled on it while chatting. Good conversation with a friend always makes food taste better. I must admit as far as meals go lunch as been the most palatable as long as they don’t bring bananas.  

Shortly after Mona left, the dietician arrived to talk about diabetes. Knowing that I was still a bit ga-ga from the meds, I just asked her to leave the literature and we could meet again next week.

The physiotherapist arrived to talk about part one of my rehab and to give me some exercises to do in bed, after to listening to hear for about two minutes, I just asked her to write everything down because not one thing had registered.

At 1:00 PM my afternoon nurse, Rob arrived. Rob is quite the interesting guy. He had only been nursing for three years but seemed to be the most astute and resourceful one I’d met. He had previously served in the Royal Air Force and had come from a military family. His father was a senior officer with the 14^th Intelligence Division and served several years in Northern Ireland doing what Intelligence Divisions do. He had to wait 15 years after retiring to given all his medals in a ceremony at Buckingham Palace.

Rob was also the one who lucked into performing the aforementioned procedure recommended by Tara.  I wanted get it done before my next guest was due to arrive.

Rob figured the easiest way to turn me on my side was use the sling I was already lying on and take advantage of the overhead electric lift. This made it easy get the right angle to insert a suppository and drop me back down onto a bedpan. The rest is history! I do not envy a nurse’s job. Sorry the video is not available at this time. ;-)

About half an hour later the guest of honour arrived; my beautiful niece, Jennifer. A few minutes previous to her arrival, I had Rob pull the blanket over my left leg which he had left exposed in anticipation of putting a special dressing on the blisters. I didn’t think Jen Jen would really want to be greeted by that. Guess what the first thing she did was? Yep, she ripped up the blanket and said “Let’s see what you did?” We had a lovely heart to heart about each other’s well being and finished the afternoon off with a hug and a kiss.

Dinner arrived and it was the most inedible to date. It was a vile chicken thigh that a gagged on the first bite and didn’t even attempt to eat any more. I managed to swallow a fork full of the mashed potato like stuff and the peas. And of course, my dessert for the day was a banana. A very fresh good looking banana but a banana none the less. Needless to say it went untouched.

 At this point the blister dressing had not been done. I told Rob that I was expecting a friend soon so he may have to do it in front of her. Hell, she works at a special needs day care and after working with children for a few years nothing could gross you out.

As Rob began, my favourite co-worker, the lovely young Allana arrived. Allana picks up where Jen leaves off making sure he behaves himself health wise. There are times when I’d swear they were the same person. As Rob diligently worked on the dressing we chatted about work and life. 

After Rob left, we were surprised by another co-worker, Ed and his wife, Lois. We all had a good laugh about the commotion and bickering I had caused. Being the second most senior person, several tasty and lucrative shifts opened up.

My night nurse for the next two nights was going to be Denise. When I made a remark about not getting any decent sleep, she said she’d bet me a hundred bucks that it would be a quiet night. I scoffed but I don’t know what she put in the old guys’ pudding but it worked.

Episode 7 – November 6 – After what was the best night’s sleep in a long including pre-injury, it’s time to start a new day. Thank you, Denise!

Time to meet my new day nurse. And by new I really don’t mean new. Sergio is probably old enough to fit in with the rest of the patients on this floor and he almost moves as fast. No special requests coming from here today.

Breakfast showed up and lo and behold...oatmeal gruel. FML

Dr. Haaf dropped by and really picked up my spirits. He told me that there was a chance I’d be moving soon down to the rehab floor possibly as early as next week.

I was able to finally solve a mystery that had been bugging me for weeks. I had been texting previously and then leaving several voice mails after my fall to a friend without a reply. I’m thinking in my mind “Now what have I done to piss off, Christine?” A trick I seem to be good at without even knowing sometimes. I was finally able to contact her through her office phone. The problem was she had lent her personal phone to her teenage daughter. She then asked her “Why didn’t you tell me Dennis called?” And now all you Moms and Dads out there let’s shot out the answer in unison “OH YEAH, I FORGOT!”

The best thing that happened today was Pam brought up my laptop. I missed my baby! And as you were are now acutely aware, a laptop in my hands is a dangerous weapon. Hee hee!

As far as rehab goes progress the OT and PT have come up with a wheelchair that will fit with special supports. My first task would be to try a bed to chair side transfer. Because of my experience in the medical supply business, I knew the basic concept so the first part of the training was easy. I managed the physical transfer with some difficulty but because the legrests were still being modified I was only able to get in a position with my butt in the chair and legs on the bed but it did feel so good to be out of bed.  After a short breather we did the transfer in reverse. I could not believe how much energy I had to expend to do this. Nap time!

At around dinner I clicked on MSNBC.com to watch the US election results. It was a little nerve wracking seeing all those states turn quickly but there were no upset states so I knew all was well plus I enjoy all those “rape guys” lose their races.

While watching the results it made me think of my situation. If I had been living in the US I would already be on the verge of bankruptcy. The surgery alone apparently would have been $130,000 and with all the goodies to date including my magic black button would already be hitting the quarter million mark. I got all this for $64 per month plus a very minimal co-pay on a couple of items that will be covered by my extended benefits that are included as part of my pension benefits. Thank you Canada and moreso Thank you Tommy Douglas! :-)

So it was time for bed and I knew I had Denise working her magic on my ward mates.

But that damn tap is dripping again!! ARRRGH!!!

To be continued...

How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation Episodes 3 and 4

...And so we are back

Episode 3 – November 2 – Morning has finally arrived and the big day is here! While the other patients in the dig into their breakfast trays, I am left lying in bed anticipating surgery. Little did I know that I was getting the better of the deal.

Around 8:30, Dr. Haaf stopped into check on me and to talk about the blood work he ordered yesterday just because prepping your mind for surgery isn’t stressful enough. The doc had been keeping an eye on my glucose levels for several years and after being considered pre-diabetic for awhile, I have apparently crossed the threshold into actually being diabetic. Then after telling me that my cholesterol and PSA levels were good, he tells me I have a B12 deficiency which could potentially make me anemic.

And now it was time to head to surgery. The porter arrived with the stretcher and the transfer process began. After figuring out that I was completely non-ambulatory, the nurses in the room realized that they would have to use the overhead lift. Such a brilliant idea being that I had been lying on a transfer sling for two days now. Even still they managed to smack my head into the IV machine. One nurse seemed more concerned about whether they had any nail polish remover in the OR because they didn’t have any on the ward. At the same time the nurse announced that she didn’t think I’d be coming back to this room. I now go into another panic because I have to direct her to all my stuff including my charger that was plugged into the opposite of the bed. She assured me in such a way that I knew worrying would be a great idea.

I arrived at the surgery floor where I was left in the hallway in front of the nurses’ station. A tall good looking young lady in scrubs came over to talk to me and introduces herself as Dr. Brown, the anesthesiologist. Her first question is why didn’t I bring my BiPAP machine with me to the hospital because apparently the nurse in the ward upstairs was claiming that the one I was using belonged to the hospital. Time for more freaking out.  She reassured me that she would straighten it out. Then she explained that she didn’t feel a general anesthetic would be a good idea for me because my apnea, thick neck and small airway and she’d probably use a spinal freezing and that I’d be awake during the surgery. Am I thoroughly freaked out yet? She reassured me that she would give me sedatives and hook me up to my BiPAP which she was able to retrieve from the moron upstairs and I would likely sleep through the surgery.

It was at this point that everything came to a head and I went into an anxiety attack. I was lying flat on my back, tears pouring down the sides of my face and struggling to breathe. I had never felt so absolutely alone. I really just needed someone to hold my hand. The OR nurses and Dr. Brown were able to comfort me and talk me down. Dr. Brown also aided a bit by slipping something special into my IV drip.

A few minutes later we were in the operating room and the next struggle was to get me on the table. It turns out that no one involved in acquiring equipment ever bothered to make sure patient lifts, transports and tables were compatible. Instead it was probably a case of lowest bidder thus allowing for countless permutations where not every one worked. This was one of those groupings. It took some time but after a few attempts, I was finally on the table. Dr. Brown had me sit and told me I would be feeling some pinching in my back as she hooked up the spinal and then she slipped my BiPAP mask over my face, the surgeon, Dr. McConkey said hello and I drifted off to sleep. I was definitely conscious though during the surgery because I remember piping into one conversation about healthcare privatization, One the doctors talked about the main proponent for privatization was being paid big bucks by the American healthcare lobby. I asked “Do you mean that douchebag, Brian Day?” and the doctor simply replied yes.

We skip to the recovery room now. Unlike the times I’ve woken up from a general where you feel  like you are coming down from a great high and then into a nasty hangover, with the spinal I just plain woke up; a little groggy but my head cleared immediately.

One of the disadvantages of a spinal actually became a bit of a stress reliever both physically and mentally. Because my lower body had been numbed I was unable to use the little cardboard bottle. The recovery nurse recommended using a catheter. The concept sounded painful and it was somewhat. In fact the nurse used both of those medical euphemisms, “You may feel a little bit of pressure” and “This might be uncomfortable”. Speaking of pressure once the tube hit pay dirt, the flow was like a fire hose filling the bag twice before slowing down. I guess I really had to go. This also relieved the stress of having to wake up in the middle of the night to use the cardboard bottle.

Dr. Brown then introduced me to my new best friend, the patient controlled morphine drip aka the magic black button. If you hear a single beep it means a dose is being delivered. If you hear four quip beeps it means you’re still in the six minute lock out period.

It was now time to move up into the orthopaedic floor and room 621.

Arriving on the floor, I quickly notice that there sure seems to be a lot of old people up here and my ward was no different. The two guys across from me, Roy and Bill, were previous stroke victims who both fallen and broken their hips. The old guy beside me, Art, apparently was already suffering from Parkinson and had suffered a stroke and fell and broke his elbow as well. Art would become a nightmare and an even worse nightmare is Art’s daughter, Sandi. She spends hours at a time with her dad talking in a high squeaky baby voice to him and calling him “my little Poppa-loppa”. FML!!

The next big irritant was the day nurse for the three guys, Denise. She would come into the room overloud and over-cheerful. This initially drove me nuts because I am very sensitive to loud noises and horribly suspicious of really cheerful people. However over the next few days I would learn there is much more to Denise.

Around 6:30, my post-op liquids only dinner arrived. It consisted of beef broth, orange juice, milk and red Jell-O. Jell-O technically a liquid but this stuff was so firm, I was barely able to cut through it with my fork. Needless to say I didn’t eat much of it.

My bed is next to the door and there is a sink about six feet from me. I’d swear that this is the only sink on the floor because every staff member seems to pop around the corner to wash their hands then scoot out again. The irritating part is the taps are a bit tight and they don’t shut properly leaving them running. It is absolute torture and I can do nothing about it but stare at it or abuse my call button privileges getting the nurses to take care of it. Luckily, this where Sandi comes in handy because it drives her nuts as well. Not everyone is totally useless. ;-)

We are now at bed time, so I clutch on to my magic black button get ready for an E-ticket ride. Well, instead it was more of a disaster movie. Bill snored so badly, I wanted to lend him my biPAP. Roy was having a miserable night and Art was a complete pain calling out for no reason and climbing out of bed and setting off the bed alarm. Apparently this was Art’s typical behaviour. Me, I just lay there with my magic button waiting to hear the lovely sound of a single beep.

Episode 4 – November 3 – As morning breaks through the windows I lay there still clutching my magic black button.

I talked to the nurse first thing morning about the fact that there did not seem to be any drastic change when I self-medicated. She came back about 15 minutes later with a key and unlocked the magic box and made the correct adjustments to up the dosage. I hit the button and did notice a difference right away. I then waited the obligatory six minutes to hear the lovely sound of the single beep and I could feel it working a little more. Once again I repeated the process six minutes later...oops!...the pain had gone completely bye-bye...however I was getting the bed spins and feeling queasy. I rang for the nurse and she added Gravol to my intravenous cocktail. NAP TIME!!!! :-D

In the mean time, Denise reappeared all loud and cheerful opening all the bed curtains which drove me nuts. I like to build my little tiny tent cubicle.

Breakfast arrived and I now found out how little I had missed the last three mornings. The surprise under the dome was waffles and huge yellow clump that appeared to be butter. I’m thinking this can’t right, it says right here, Diabetic Diet are you guys trying to kill me or what? Denise pointed out that she’s pretty sure it was eggs which was true. If the waffles were any drier they would have been dust. Maybe that much butter would have been a good idea. The eggs were passable. The coup de grace was the oatmeal. I like my oatmeal thick enough you can cut it, this crap resembled gray soup. :-P

The Crown Prince dropped in with several items that I had asked him to bring up and we chatted awhile about his conference last week and my situation and some future plans.

Our visit was cut short when Sandi showed up and Bryan could no longer take listening to her as well as the other chaos going on and said he needed to leave. I fully understood and had no problem with him leaving. (Before I go any further, I do have to say Sandi has a good heart and helps the other patients in the room. She just drives everyone crazy!)

Pam dropped by next with my mail for the past few days and it was great check out some of the new stamps and coins I had received.

Not much else to report for the day, except I thought I had finally got a leg up on the breakfast thing. A food catering person came in after dinner with a computer tablet and I got to choose between oatmeal or Rice Krispees. Guess what I chose? Unfortunately I found out later this is a rather sporadic service where you may get someone coming by with menu choices at best one out of three meals for the day.

One of my favourite things for the day was meeting my night nurse for the evening, Esther. Esther is a sweet young thing that is so eager to please. I’ve the last week convincing her that my name is Dennis not Mr. Donnelly. As my somewhat wise dad always said, “Only two guys call me Mr. Donnelly. The one guy is trying to sell me something and the guy says I owe him money.”

And now it is time to cuddle up with my magic black button...Oh sweet, Morpheus here I come. ;-)

To be continued...

How I Spent My “Fall” Vacation Episodes 1 and 2

My intent here is to document my trials and tribulations resulting from my little ordeal on Halloween night. This blog entry is going to be somewhat different than my regular (or more like irregular) submissions. They will still have touches of irreverent humour but rather than a one short story it will be growing journal with new entries being added hopefully every day. I say hopefully because the stress and the medications severely affect my levels of energy and concentration. 

Episode 1 - October 31- As most of my irregular readers know Halloween is has been an event around our Premier Street mansioncomplex for more than twenty years. I had just completed my somewhat minimal decorating including my jack-o-lantern tribute to the World Series Champion San Francisco Giants and now I was prepping dinner before the arrival of the hordes of extorting yard apes. I had some Italian sausages grilling on the Weber on the patio outside in the pouring rain. The timer went off notifying me to turn the bangers. I put on my aging black flip flips with the built bottle opener. I stepped onto the first of two wooden steps leading from the townhouse living room to the patio deck. Whether my feet ever found the second step who knows? I remember shooting forward into the glass table and rolling to my right knocking the barbecue on rollers at least six feet.

A few seconds later, I tried to stand and my thighs responded with a shooting pain and no ability to lift.

I eventually managed to schooch up into a sitting position on the top stair in front of the open door. I sat there pondering my next while being soaked by the rain, staring at my left flip flop pinned under one of the table legs. After another attempt to stand with the same result, I knew I may have a problem. After more rain-soaked contemplation, I laid onto my back half in and half out of the house. I gradually slithered across the floor where I kept my cell phone and reached up blindly to grab it from the side table. I scrolled through the menu to the number of my next door neighbour, Pam. I touched “call” and after a couple of rings, Pam answered but she could not hear me. Unfortunately, the one place I keep my phone because it is where I normally sit watching TV happens to have a weird dead spot. I then made a few attempts to turn the side table to reach my land line phone. After a few misfires in attempting to copy the digits from one phone to the other, I finally managed to call Pam. She arrived quickly and immediately called 911. In the meantime her husband, Dennis (Yes, there are lots of us around) came and Pam instructed him to make sure the BBQ was turned off and then go out and watch for the emergency vehicles.

The paramedics arrived about 20 minutes later and began poking and prodding. They then tried standing me and kept telling me “use your good leg”. “Dude, there is no good leg!” Finally they decided it would be best to put me on a gurney and transport to the Emergency Room. I was so disappointed that no one gave me “500 mils of Ringer’s Lactate, 1000 mils of D5W or even bothered to call Dixie.” Sheesh!

When we arrived at Lion’s Gate Hospital, I was wheeled into Triage and transferred onto an ER stretcher and stuck into a curtained cubicle and left me to stare at the ceiling. About 20 minutes later, the paramedic came back and wheeled into another section “First Aid” and stuck me in another room. In the mean time, Pam arrived with a pair of shoes and a jacket in anticipation of a quick return home. How wrong were we!

After at least an hour, the doctor, the same guy who I’d seen doing paper work at his desk for the last half hour pops his head in the door does a quick poke and prod and says “perhaps we should get an x-ray” and leaves. Good call, Doc! I’m so glad we subsidized seven years of education on you!

About half an hour later the x-ray technician shows confirms that I’m the guy he’s looking for and says he’ll be back in a minute. An hour later someone else shows up to transport me to xray.

In xray they shuffle me onto transfer sling and then lift me up on an electric hoist and twirl me around onto the xray table. The technician then decides to manipulate my legs into positions incapable of a icircus contortionist and has the nerve to say “stay absolutely still” meanwhile I’m screaming in pain and this guy is absolutely oblivious to this and continues on. After a half hour of agony he announces were finished and the flying trapeze routine is reversed.

Another hour goes by before a nurse drops by and tells that no bones are broken so I’ll have to wait until the morning for an ultrasound.

I’m then told to get comfortable and go to sleep. Excellent suggestion! And how do you expect me to do that?

 Sleeping would have been a wonderful idea. Now remember I was working on dinner which meant I hadn’t eaten since noon and wasn’t allowed food or drink because surgery was imminent. They were gracious enough to give an IV drip to rehydrate me and stick an oxygen tube in my nostrils. That should make it so much easier to sleep especially with severe pain, and lying on a hard stretcher staring at the ceiling.

I’m not sure if it was just because it was Halloween but the ER was full of zombies; people in hospital scrubs, stethoscopes, official looking ID badges and other medical paraphernalia wandering around blank faced taking extreme care never to make direct eye contact with a patient.

Hey and guess when they choose to use the automatic floor scrubbers in the ER?

Now what was it the nurse told me to do? Oh yeah! “Get comfortable and go to sleep”.

Episode 2 - November 1- After the above described peaceful, I was wheeled into the ultrasound diagnostics lab. Lying in the waiting area, it dawned on me that I should ask about my friend since kindergarten, Ray who had been ultrasound tech there for years. Turned he had just recently left for another gig. Damn! I could have used a friendly face!

I was wheeled into the exam room and the adventure begins. I must admit ultrasound beats x-ray hands down and no piles fifty pounds of lead on your junk and tells you it is completely safe. Great you’ve saved my nuts from radiation but you just crushed them into pudding with that damn apron. No actually, if think about it ultrasound is pretty sensual. The tech applies a cool gel and then gently strokes your thighs with a wand. (pause for indecent thought ...and I’m back)

After about ten minutes, the tech excuses himself then brings back the radiologist and a med student to examine the scan. It’s a little disconcerting when see wincing and hear oo’s and ouches coming from the doctors. As they got ready to wheel me back, I asked what the diagnosis was and I got the standard “You’re surgeon will speak to you”.

Back in the ER for another couple of hours when another nurse appears and says to me “you need to get someone to bring up your BiPAP machine” (Hey, you’re on the internet look it up!)

Obviously this means I’m in for another night, so I call Pam and ask her to bring up the unit as well as my phone charger.

About fifteen minutes later a nurse shows up with a food tray which I question because I’m on “no food or drink order” pending surgery. She takes the tray away then comes back a couple of minutes later with the tray and tells me the doctor ordered it. Even being without food or drink I was only able stomach about a third of it. The entree I believe was boneless breast of chickenish stuff.

A few minutes later, my GP, Dana Haaf, arrives with two med students, sees the tray and says “I guess they couldn’t squeeze the operation in today.” He then explains how quad muscle on right leg is 90% torn away and the left is only about 40% torn away. They will both have to be re-attached surgically and the drops the bomb. “You will be spending about six weeks here...but they have a very open airy facility.”

Pam and Dennis arrived with the machine, charger and some toiletries and I broke the news that they would have to continue to pick up my mail for a bit longer than expected. Pam was still trying to contact the Crown Prince who was out of town at a conference.

I then started to make a bunch of phone calls and send out urgent texts for a number of people to call me back ASAP.

Around 4, the hospital porters arrived to tell me that they were moving me upstairs to a surgical bed.

I was transferred into what felt like a cloud after 24 hours on the ER stretcher. Dinner was served shortly after. I couldn’t remember what it was but I know I didn’t even touch half of it.

It was here in the room that I began to perfect my skills of peeing into a cardboard bottle. It was much trickier with the little man playing hide and seek; after all his two sidekicks had already been crushed to pudding in x-ray.

The surgeon came by to explain the procedure and the near future. By this time I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t talk and just wanted to cry.

His last bit of advice was “try and relax and get a good sleep” because the surgery was scheduled for 9:30 the next morning.

I was soon to discover that two of my ward mates were suffering from medication related dementia.

The gentleman across from me decided to have an all night argument with an imaginary friend and the lady next to him kept climbing out of bed and setting off the saying she needed to get home to feed her cats who apparently were being looked after by the guy in the next bed’s friend.

I kept telling myself “It gets better...it gets better”

Now what was the advice the surgeon gave me?

To be continued....

Journey to the Big Ditch

Before we go any further into this mish-mash of  random thoughts on the isthmus of Panama, I want to point one very important point when shopping for Panamanian souvenirs; an authentic Panama hat should have the following phrase stamped on the inside head band “Hecho en Ecuador”.  ;-)

Obviously the most noteable thing about this tiny country that divides North and South America is the Panama Canal. Built almost one hundred years ago, this engineering miracle is still something to behold. I was able to enjoy the sight and operation of this man made marvel in several different ways from multiple points of view.

My first view of the canal was from the Bridge of the Americas leading into Panama City. On the right, you see the huge queue of ships and small pleasure boats in the Bay of Panama waiting to pass through the locks to the Atlantic side the following day. That same day, we went the Mira Flores Locks Visitor Centre where we were able to view a large cruise ship drop down into the final lock before reaching the Pacific and watch a massive Swedish auto carrier pass by the four storey viewing platform where you were almost eye to eye with the captain and pilot on the bridge. Watching the locks fill and empty and the gates open and close will put any physics or engineering geek into nerd Nirvana. Completed in 1914, the canal operates on simple hydraulic principles practised  by the ancient Greeks, Chinese and Romans and even likely pre-historic men and women. Water flows down hill. I was able to view the canal system from a few other angles. First via a boat tour of Gatun Lake; the man made body of water that at one point destroyed the ecological balance of the Chagris River system when the canal was first dug but we able to see how Mother Nature’s restorative powers by creating a new ecosystem where both the world economy and nature can live together. On another day, I was able to view the entire route from Colon on the Caribbean to Panama City while sipping rum and cokes in the antique dining car of the Panama Canal Railway. That same day we were viewed the Gatun Lock system that leads into the Atlantic waterways.
By far my favourite prospective on the canal was a boat trip from the mouth of the Chagris through Gatun Lake and into the Pedro Miguel and Mira Flores Locks, the Pacific side of the six lock system. The boat we travelled on was a delight in itself. The Islamadora is an all wooden yacht built in 1904 for the banker, J.P. Morgan and was later purchased by Al Capone to transport rum from Habana to Miami during Prohibition and was subsequently owned by movie stars, Steve McQueen and James Colburn. On top of the marvelous construction and fabulous history, the other great thing about the Islamadora was its size. Only about the size of a medium harbour tug, it was diminutive even when compared to the other ferries that took tour groups through the locks. This small craft gave me such a spectacular perspective of the magnitude of the locks and how fast the chambers filled and emptied and how the boat just seemed to drop down along the wood line walls of the lock. The most amazing view occurred as we were about to pass through the last gate into Panama Bay, I turned to my right and one the auto carriers I spoke of earlier was just entering the channel beside us.  Being thirty feet below its waterline and the ship being almost six storeys high and four hundred feet long, it brought to mind Pinocchio and Gepetto about to be swallowed by Monstro, the whale. By coincidence, I was able to view the Islamadora passing into the Caribbean Sea the day we visited the Gatun Locks. 

The capital, Panama City is in itself a dichotomy of old and new. The architecture ranges from 17^th century forts to ultra-modern skyscrapers mimicking those of petro-rich cities like Dubai. The downtown business district has been totally rebuilt after the Americans turned the canal zone back over to the Panamanian people and subsequently destroyed by the Americans when American President George Bush ordered the overthrow of the dictator, General Manuel Noriega, ironically put into place under the orders of then CIA Director, George Bush. Hmm, I wonder if they might be related. ;-)
Not far from downtown is the Old City, which is a UNESCO World Heritage restoration site which is a joint project of the Panamanian government, the private sector and UNESCO. Residences, businesses and churches are being refinished and brought back to their eighteenth century beauty combining the country’s Spanish, French, Columbian and Caribbean architecture.
Panama City is the home to offices of at least 147 international banks most of in which you or I would not be welcome. This is the benefit of being able to hold the world transportation system hostage by being the only game in town. The Panama Canal only deals in cash for passage and does not offer credit terms.
Colon, the second largest city in Panama and the Atlantic side terminus for the canal is quite the opposite of Panama City. Despite being the home to the world’s largest Free Trade Zone (Think of a giant Costco for major international wholesalers) which is an even bigger cash stream for Panama than the canal, the city is rife with poverty, crime and unemployment. This is not say that in any way does it compare with other Latin American countries like Nicaragua basically due to Panama’s education system where everyone is given opportunities. There is a direct correlation between literacy and poverty where education increases poverty decreases.

My second favourite day trip was a motorized canoe trip up the Chagris River to Parara Puru to an Enbera indigenous village. We were able to see the lifestyle one of the aboriginal groups who were partially displaced when the Chagris was dammed to form Gatun Lake for the canal. The Enbera continue to live a very simple life and in some ways primitive but they are also able to embrace certain amounts of technology such as motors for their canoes and cell phones for emergencies. They are able to take advantage of Panama’s modern healthcare and education systems while still maintaining most aspects of their customs and heritage. I think the Enbera people enhance the theory that keeping it simple breeds contentment.

Cristo Negro

Golden Altar

Like all Latin American countries, the Roman Catholic Church has taken a major role both historically and currently in this country. I am not going to delve into the political or religious arguments in favour or against the church but as a lover of architecture and art the RCs take the cake. Anyone who toured Europe or Latin America has stuck their head into a Roman Catholic cathedral and witnessed some jaw dropping sculptures, structures and paintings. Panama was no different. The two most striking icons I saw were the Golden Altar in the Iglesia de San Juan in the Old Panama City district and the Cristo Negro in the Iglesia de San Felip in Portobello outside Colon. The Golden Altar is a massive altar carved from ironwood and covered in 18 carat gold leaf. The other outstanding feature is that the carvings on the altar are not of the RC icons but of symbols relating to the natural wonders of Panama and some important indigenous icons. The church is also home to four other beautiful altars that were originally meant to go into other churches in the city but were never installed for many political and military reasons. The Cristo Negro is a statue of Jesus that portrays him as black. This icon was originally considered blasphemous and banished but after years of coincidences (considered miracles) the archbishop finally allowed it to be placed in the church. The statue is dressed in different coloured ornate robes relating to the Catholic calendar. It is considered an honour to donate a robe to the church and many Panamanian sports stars like boxer, Roberto Duran and New York Yankee reliever, Mariano Rivero have their contributions on display in the Museo del Cristo Negro next door to the church. However my favourite church I stumbled across was located in Fallon, the village adjoining our resort. The Capilla Virgen del Carmen is a quaint little church painted a golden yellow with exterior pillars embedded with seashells that reflected in the sun with their mother-of-pearl inner linings. It should be noted that Catholicism is not only religion represented in Panama. Panama has become a very multicultural country and is home to one of the most important Baha’i temples outside of Iran and there is a huge mosque in the Free Trade Zone in Colon.



Noriega's Villa

I managed to book a room at one of the largest resorts in Panama, the Royal Decameron located in Fallon about one hundred kilometres southwest of Panama City where Panama Bay merges into the Pacific Ocean. Now, most people when they here “ocean view resort on the Pacific Ocean” immediately think of beautiful sunsets over the sea. Wrong-o! The isthmus of Panama is S-shaped and runs west to east, between Panama City and Fallon, the sunrises over the Pacific side and sets on the Atlantic/Carribean side. This makes for some confusion if you are at all directionally challenged. The Decameron has a bit of an interesting history as well. It was originally an American military base. Because obvious required upgrading to make it into a resort you don’t immediately see the connection but when you go down to the beach and look back up at all the small buildings you can see the basic design of military barracks all over the world. Of course, I can imagine a young private being on the same beach looking out to the ocean and thinking “Well, I guess there are worse postings in this army.” The resort also shares the beach with a number of large viilas including one previously owned by General Noriega. It’s easy to pick out. It’s the one where US Navy gun boats did some serious renovating with 50 mils. The local Panamanians completed the redecorating job by looting the mansion of all its furnishings.
As cuisine goes Panama is famous for its plethora of seafood. The adage “give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you will feed for life” definitely applies. Hey, even I caught a tilapia in Gatun Lake! Being a lover of shellfish I was in heaven.  As far as food goes in this country there are only two rules to remember.  First, unless you plan on re-soling your shoes stay away from Panamanian beef. And even more important, never offer a Panamanian a banana; he is more than likely to strangle you because these fruits are so plentiful and grow everywhere they have been force fed bananas from their first solids as a baby to mashed plantains on their deathbed. ;-)

I started off this rambling mess clarifying the hat myth but I still can’t figure the second one, what the heck is Van Halen singing about?

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day here in the Magic Kingdom...Oh crap, wrong theme park! ;-)